Seattle, LAST DAY

*sigh* So the end of my week is here. It's kind of odd how terrified I was coming out here & now I don't know how I feel about leaving. I cannot WAIT to get home and hug and kiss my kiddos & Scott, it's helped tremendously that I have talked to the 3 of them all week through Skype (GREAT invention, by the way).

So the day is done. Wow. I had my PICC line taken out around 10 this morning, after having my dex supression test...an hour of 2 vials of blood taken every 15 minutes. I watched as my nurse, Sig, started pulling the line out. All I could think of was "HOLY CRAP!! When will it end?" that thing, seriously, had to have been over a foot long. I finished up in Ambulatory with "my girls" and immediately burst in to tears when Sig gave me a hug. My nurses down there really were a saving grace for me this week. I saw them basically every single day I was here & they were so funny & dynamic & can say that I am truly blessed to have met them.

I think what I really found this week was myself. Maybe that sounds weird, but I really feel that. I feel closer to God, closer to my friends & have found that I have true friends where I never saw them before. My heart is full. Not knowing anyone here really pushed me to be, well, ME! Friends, some of you might say that I am "too perky" or a people pleaser and I have tried to tone it down for some time now, because I have felt like that is what I was supposed to do. I found that girl again this week and it just happens to be the girl I am. You can choose to like or love that about me, it's ok, but i LIKE making people smile, I LIKE making people feel special, like they matter, if to no one other than some strange girl that commented on how pretty your scarf is in an elevator. For heavens sake, the dining room workers all knew who I was by the time dinner rolled around tonight, because all week I had made a point to forge whatever sort of relationship I could with them during my stay here.

The only thing (aside from needles & blood draws in the middle of the night..lol) that I hated most was being alone. I don't do alone well, although I was so proud of myself this week. Seattle is a huge, rather daunting city and I stepped WAY out of my comfort zone and journeyed out on my own. ALONE. It was exciting, awe inspiring and bottom line...FUN. It was well worth every bit of exhaustion and pain that my body felt, which isn't something I can ever say.

I think that before this trip, I have often felt that I care for my friends and family much more than is reciprocated, maybe it's just in my head. As a stay at home mom, and in addition "sick", you tend to lose your own identity. I am hoping that some people maybe have a new perception of me, a new respect for me and what I go through and do on a daily basis when I get home. I deal with more fears than almost anyone knows, except my husband, every day & I just keep hearing my mom's voice in my head. She keeps telling me this week "you are exactly where you need to and doing what you need to be doing." I doubted it for a bit, but see it now.

Now, only time will tell what will come of this week. But what I have come away with is maybe worth even more. I found me. I embraced myself. I have a stronger bond with God, and I have felt more love and support from my friends than i ever imagined. I started this blog more as a way for me to feel closer to something, to get my mind off of what I was afraid of. I didn't really think that anyone would read this and for those who have been following, thank you. Thank you for caring. I have felt you all here with me, which has filled the void tremendously.

I love you all so so much & am honored to call you friend.